The Holly and the IV...

Somewhat prickly, renowned for being red and associated with a time of goodwill & gifts, Holly (aka Ian Hollamby) makes a weekly 150+mile pilgrimage from deepest, darkest Surrey to play at White Roding for the 45s,.. even though he arrived after the game had started on Saturday. When I say play, I also mean train in 90C heat during an extended pre-season because he likes who we are and what we are about.

Nearly 5 months after we played a full contact match against another team, we at last had the opportunity to kick a ball again in anger. Alfresco changing facilities, sanitised goalposts and a brown paper envelope passed to the referee before kick-off were all in evidence. Talks were given about the new interpretations on social distancing, quick free kicks and water breaks. There was a slightly new look to the line up with the Gaffer wanting to ensure that it was a gentle re-introduction back into the game we love, everyone getting at least 45 minutes and some new faces on show. The first half was an abomination in places on the freshly cut grass with luscious lines rolled into it. Stansted were immediately on the front foot, whilst we were caught on our heels. Ring rustiness was in evidence with misplaced passes, being caught out by long balls and only the occasional glimpse of what we are about on show. Matters were not helped by Dean "I am on the Sausage diet" Yeowell popped a calf muscle inside 10 minutes leaving big question marks over his fitness for the mid-week Tinder date. The advice not to celebrate goals was followed after Stansted scored their own Lux-like cross to open the account and quickly followed up with a second shortly after. A quick drink and Mark "Splinters" Corner found his shooting boots with a turn-on-a-sixpence that would have graced Strictly Come Dancing before powering home on 27 mins. Molty headed over, Spencer went on a mazy run or 2, Bumble buzzed about their defences and Dom should have shot instead of complaining about not being used to playing on a carpet-like pitch. Worse was to follow as the Trolley Dollies disrespectfully scored twice more against the host, in quick succession until Dom "Sonic" Boom registered his first of the season, but the 3 goal advantage was quickly restored by Stansted as they went in at half time 5-2 up. Cue a host of changes and a tinkering with the system and the teams were sent back out to make amends. Within 3 minutes Holly already had a couple of sighters and before the 5th minute was struck, he had struck his first. Stansted were now up against a 4-man attack and 2 new faces in midfield. Holly struck wide, hit the post, tried (and failed) with a trick or 2 and ran the Away defence more ragged than one of his half-sucked cigarettes at half time. In 6 minutes he scored a hat-trick to go on top of his earlier effort... 65, 69 & 71. His 4 goals put White Roding into the lead for the first time, all within 25 minutes of his belated arrival. More was to follow and much to amazement of the expectant crowd, when Holly actually chose to pass instead of shooting whilst inside the penalty area... Halley's Comet is seen more frequently! A through ball to Goal of the (last) Season Steve "Lucy" Luxford allowed him to chip the keeper off his big toe from 8 yards with 10 mins to go. It could and should have been more, with efforts going agonisingly wide from a raft of players and "Splinters" hitting the cross bar from a distance further out than the new M11 Junction at Harlow. A BBQ and Beers on the grass was hosted after the players were hosed down by a K'archer power wash. Much to ponder on for the Gaffer before next week, when holidays interfere with tactics. Formations and options will be myriad in the season ahead as we look to go one better than 2019/20. Line Up... too many to mention, but including Lord Lucan Wilfred Bramble

Colonel Sanders The cast of Blazing Saddles Billy Lidell The Russian Linesman from the '66 World Cup Final Big Paul & little Paul from Ongar Herts & Essex Garage Doors